The last few weeks the Lord has been convicting me. Showing me my heart and it’s been hard and…. ugly. That is so hard to admit because I like to think that my intents are always pure, right, and good for me and others. My opinions, my “control” of things and my way of doing things could not possibly be wrong.
OR….could they? Oh that old ugly word, pride.
What drives me to do what I do? What desires lurk in my heart to motivate me to say and do the things I do? Gasp! What idols am I worshiping in my heart? To be honest, it’s all so exhausting and frustrating. And it can taint and ruin relationships. Oh and my mouth….it drips of all the complaints from not getting what my heart wrongly desires. I know I sound like a big loud clanging, annoying noise.
Idols. Did I say Idols? No I don’t have golden image idols displayed in my home. No I don’t have a lot of money or drive a fancy car. In fact, those are some of the material things that I find my heart lusting over …. But I digress…this is not about material things. It’s about my heart.
The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? -Jeremiah 17:9
You see, I know the verses, I teach them to others. Helping them in counseling situations to see what it is that has caused them to sin in different areas. “They” warned me about this… about examining my own heart on a regular basis. All the counseling training I have had, and I still fail to make it a regular practice to examine my own heart and its desires. I should have this all figured out by now….or should I? I would like to think that, to think that I regularly let the Lord take his scalpel and do surgery on my heart. But I don’t. I resist it. I fight it. I run from it. I keep busy so I don’t have to think about it.
But then it happens, that moment when you know, you can’t run anymore. You can’t hide. You can’t go on one more day, until you begin to deal with it. That’s what happened to me a few weeks ago. Oh don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have this magical moment where I just dealt with it and it’s all over. How I wish at times it was that easy. No…it’s much harder than that. It’s a daily looking into my heart. Those deep, dark, ugly corners of my heart that I know God wants to occupy.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me – Psalm 51:10
We learned about sanctification in our Sunday school class a few weeks ago. That particular Sunday was the breaking point for me. I wept during class. The Lord had his spotlight on my heart and it was all so…very…ugly and hard. That Sunday afternoon, I found quiet time alone with God. I finally submitted to him and allowed him permission to begin that work on my heart. I can’t say it too much, how hard it is: recognizing sin and sinful behaviors and desires that perpetuate my wrong actions and words. Oh and then to admit it to my family. To confess my sin to them is so humbling. BUT… the freedom and joy that come as a result of forgiveness being granted, is worth every minute of allowing the Lord to cut out with his scalpel, all the things that do not please and honor him. So am I done? Far from it! I know this is a life-long process. I am so grateful to the Lords mercy and long-suffering towards us.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. – Lamentations 3:22-23
My prayer for you is that you will join me on this journey and allow the Lord to show you your heart. That you allow him to begin to chip away all that does not please him. I also pray that as you walk through this process that you will begin to see the results of a heart fully-submitted to Christ and that your life will put Christ on display for the world to see. May our words begin to become grace-filled words, that bless all who hear.
Let no unwholesome words ever pass your lips, but let all your words be good for benefiting others according to the need of the moment, so that they may be a means of blessing to the hearers. – Ephesians 4:29
Additional reading: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/lay-aside-the-weight-of-irritability
~ Joyce ~
The Girl from the Other Side.... 